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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Frustrated with the system - maybe
Message 121273
Posted by h7482
on Nov 08, 2003 04:02 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: 30 - 39,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
I am so frustrated with our judicial system. I found out in august that my husband of 31+ years had sexually abused our three children (1 girl 2 boys) but also 5 or 6 of our nieces and a step daughter from a previous marriage. I reported him to the police, FBI and GBI, to no avail. You see, our youngest is 30 and he was last abused when he was 14. He is protected by the statute of limitations.
I turned him into the FBI in 1998 for talking dirty to little girls (13 - 17) on the internet. I gave them copies of the messages and still nothing could be done, because he didn't meet them.
A couple of years later while we were on vacation, out of state, he drives out of his way for an hour, to see a girl he has been talking to for 5 years. Again they said he didn't cross the LINE.
He now has pictures of young teenage girls on his laptop again, all with clothes on, and they say they can't do anything until he MEETS one of them.
Our children are not safe in this country, only the pedaphile is!
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Message 121275 (In Reply to Message 121273)
How About Help?
Posted by dp1
on Nov 08, 2003 04:21 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I am sorry to hear about how your family was victimized. It is certainly upsetting to know that the laws can't be enforced at this time. Have you considered taking him to see a therapist who specializes in sex offending? It wouldn't be unrealistic to think that he might admit to his wrong doings and seek rehabilitation. You might not be able to get the law on you side right now but your support as a loving wife could be used as leverage to get him to see a sex offender specialist. Without the law or a therapist intervening I am afraid his behavior might continue and someone may get hurt again.
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Message 121277 (In Reply to Message 121275)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 08, 2003 04:28 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
He has agreed to get counseling but only if it is from a Christian counselor. He doesn't see the internet stuff as the same as the other, unfortunately , I do. We are currently separated until I can decide if I can live with a pediphile that abused my children. Hard to look at him over the dinner table without taking a stick to him.
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Message 121281 (In Reply to Message 121277)
Counselor
Posted by dp1
on Nov 08, 2003 04:50 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I would not live with him unless he gets help from a professional. Nothing against Christian counselors but if they are not trained and certified to work with pedophiles or sex offenders then you are wasting time and money. It's a very specialized field. We have others on this board that have gone through it and can tell you the same thing. Please consider telling him that you will not accept any therapist not trained specifically for sex offenders. The internet stuff is minor compared to all the children he hurt. He is a sex offender not a computer offender. Also, if you find the right professional sex offender therapist you can also chime in with him down the road with couples groups which will help you two work together as a team. You have the upper hand. If he wants your love and support he will do the right thing so don't compromise. Be firm.
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Message 121283 (In Reply to Message 121281)
Posted by dp1
on Nov 08, 2003 05:10 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Was he a good husband? Do you love him? How do your children feel about you having a future with him? I bet they would expect you to get the best help money could buy. Bet you wouldn't fart around with a walk in clinic if you needed a heart transplant. Bet you wouldn't go to Wal-Mart if you needed a formal gown for a wedding. If you love him then get the best help in town.....it's not his choice it's yours. You decide what the conditions are. After all, if you don't like the conditions you won't be with him. Am I correct?
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Message 121297 (In Reply to Message 121281)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 08, 2003 06:09 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
He has picked a clinic in Durham, NC. They are supposed to be good with treating pedophiles. I realise that he is a sex offender but he was exchanging porn with these girls. That is also wrong.
I have been very stern as to what I expect and so far he is agreeing.
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Message 121298 (In Reply to Message 121283)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 08, 2003 06:17 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
He was 21 years in the Army and we all march to the same beat. He could be tough and he was very suspicious of me no matter what I did. No reason, I WAS FAITHFUL. I love him but I can't say that I like or respect him right now. Our youngest son doesn't want me to stay with him, because he has threatened me in the past. My son is worried that he will hurt me. (He never has) My step-daughter says whatever I want she will go along with. My step-son doesn't talk to us...now I know why. You are correct..I won't stick around to see if it doesn't work if it doesn't meet the criterior (?) my counselor laid out.
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Message 121306 (In Reply to Message 121297)
Don't Get Frustrated
Posted by dp1
on Nov 08, 2003 02:41 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
It sounds like you have a handle on things so far. Good luck with the rehab process. When all said and done it might be a good thing that he wasn't charged with anything legally speaking. The true test will be with his rehab and his control to not reoffend.
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Message 121315 (In Reply to Message 121306)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 08, 2003 06:04 PM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
I am so confused about our relationship. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to beat him and sometimes I wish our life was back to before I knew. I pray God will help me.
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Message 121316 (In Reply to Message 121277)
wow.....
Posted by myoung
on Nov 08, 2003 06:11 PM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
I am so sorry to hear that this happened to your family. I love my rose colored glasses and I wear them sometimes just ot keep the belief that someday this type of thing will come to an end. Silly me......my ex did these things to my eldest daughter while we were separated and that just made it all the easier not to go back. You certainly are an incredible person to even entertain the idea. I simply couldn't do it. I was unable to feel the same feelings toward him after I found out and I knew I would never see him the same. The strange thing is, he was totally aware of my feelings about these crimes before he comitted them. I even went so far as to say if my spouse ever did something like that, he'd have to sleep with one eye open because I'd probably commit my own crime and be glad to go to jail for it. Of course, I showed restraint and did not do that but it WAS tempting. And....well.....he did it anyway:( Fate stepped in and he passed away on his own so his burden on this Earth was removed without my assistance. Funny how things work out. Good luck with this....I hope everything works out for you and especially with your relationships with the children that are now grown.
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Message 121345 (In Reply to Message 121315)
Don't Blame You
Posted by dp1
on Nov 09, 2003 05:00 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
If there is any good news to be said it's his lack of conviction and not having to register. At least you won't have to put up with society telling you what to do since staying or leaving is a very personal decision. I take my marraige vows very seriously. I'd be struggling with this one if I was in your shoes. But I am not one to run from trouble either. You're in a position to control who knows about his problem and who doesn't. Hopefully, true friends will support any decision you feel is best. How big is your stick?
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Message 121348 (In Reply to Message 121345)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 09, 2003 06:54 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
I guess you are right but it was a conviction I was looking for. But I am still in shock that nothing could be done to him. He is a pervert and is free to roam the streets and internet.
I take my vows serious also. That is the only reason this is difficult. If I didn't I would have already filed for divorce and named incest, adultery, and sodomy as charges.
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Message 121349 (In Reply to Message 121316)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 09, 2003 07:21 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
I too lived with rose colored glasses on and that is how he got away with what he did. I never thought about that he could be doing this.
I am not incredibly, I'm committed to my covenent with God. But I am having a hard time with it. He is currently living in the motorhome in the front yard. I have told him that IF we stay together that I can not EVER be a "wife" to him. That this will basically become a marriage in name only. I need the insurance. (I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome).
I said the same thing about if anyone every touched my kids, I remember the word "BOBBIT".
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Message 121353 (In Reply to Message 121273)
Posted by tessa
on Nov 09, 2003 10:57 AM | Also by tessa
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United Kingdom |
I am sorry h7482, I just cannot agree with most of the contributors to this thread. For heavens! sake woman,he abused your children. Why! are you wanting to stay with him and support him . As far as I know there is no statute of limitation here in the U K. The paedophile in our family started the abuse over 30 years ago and he has now been charged with the crime. I know what he did and said to some of our then children. Ask one of your children for the details of the abuse and then maybe you will realise you are living with a beast. Think of your children first. Are they all in contact with you? Do you know what they think of you at this time?
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Message 121382 (In Reply to Message 121353)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 10, 2003 06:24 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
I have spoken to two of the three children, our oldest son does not associate with us at all. (his son from a previous marriage) Our daughter (also from the previous marriage) says she has gone on with her life and whatever I do she will support me. My youngest son (the one I gave birth too) would rather I didn't stay with him.
I can't see myself in an intimate relationship with him EVER again, but our daughter is concerned that after all these years of secrecy that now the family will still be torn apart. That is why she never delt with it herself, she didn't want to tear up the family as she knows it.
We have worked hard over 31 years to blend our family and done a very good job.
Our house is built in such a way that we could live in it together and never have to see each other. That way we wouldn't have to sell it. Although right now we have a preacher friend and his family renting the downstairs apartment.
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Message 121383 (In Reply to Message 121353)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 10, 2003 06:33 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
Tessa,
In the state of Georgia we DO have a statute of limitations. I have done everything I can to bring him to justice and make him responsible for what he did.
I wish it wasn't that way!
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Message 121399 (In Reply to Message 121383)
to h7482
Posted by tessa
on Nov 11, 2003 01:20 AM | Also by tessa
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United Kingdom |
h7482, I do not mean to be angry with you but our family are going through a very bad time just now. The person the alleged paedophile was married to was a very close relative and she would not accept what he had done. It has torn our family to bits. I know that most of the relatives who wont believe what happened, do not want the shame of it coming out. I am so angry at them. It has brought the children who were allegedly.( I say allegedly because he has not been tried as yet) abused and their parents closer together . We all help one another. You must go to the police again and tell them what is going on.If that does not work go to a lawyer and get advice. As long as he thinks he is going to get away with it he will never! stop. How can you even live under the same roof as him?. Please! do something before another childs life is ruined.
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Message 121411 (In Reply to Message 121383)
Posted by PVulcan
on Nov 11, 2003 09:05 AM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I am 20yrs married and take my vows extremely serious..however, if my husband was a child molester, he'd be a divorced incestious child molester! It sounds like there is no doubt that you believe he is a sex offender. Often times the spouse will tend not to believe it, or minimize it with some type of 'oh it was only ONCE, or ONLY 7 child porn pics"!
My concern would be, what if something else happens under your roof and you're somehow implicated as knowing this had been going on for years. That would be my biggest concern.
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Message 121423 (In Reply to Message 121411)
No Problem with Divorce
Posted by dp1
on Nov 11, 2003 05:01 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Divorce is a very personal issue. I'm not sure it has any real impact on pedophilia. If a wife decides to stay with her sex offending man, even contrary to her children's wishes, then she must be prepared for the consequences which include getting involved in therapy or cooperating with the police. True, minimizing and denial just don't hack it. Personally, if my husband molested my daughters I'd be calling a Funeral Director not a therapist. But, we can't expect the same response from everyone. Women who stay with their sex offending husbands do get ridiculed in today's society. Incest is a lose lose situation. Minimizing the overall impact while not allowing him to re-offend is easier said then done especially since the law is not involved to help share the burden.
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Message 121519 (In Reply to Message 121399)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 13, 2003 06:35 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
tessa,
We don't technically live under the same roof. He lives in our motorhome in the front yard of our home. We have five acres and his business is run off of the property.
I don't care if the rest of the family believe it or not, I do. I have called everyone one I can and reported him to every organization I could find. I will entertain any new areas to consider.
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Message 121520 (In Reply to Message 121411)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 13, 2003 06:51 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
PVulcan,
Your right I am concerned about something else happening, so I have asked that none of the grandkids come to the house without their parents here. He is not to be alone with children or I will contact DFAC AGAIN.
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Message 121521 (In Reply to Message 121423)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 13, 2003 07:04 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
dp1,
Oh, I do feel stupid now! I have been so torn between divorcing him or just separating so that I can maintain health insurance. I have a chronic illness that unfortunately all of this has just exacerbated. I am now in therapy due to the turmoil this has caused in my mind.
I thought about the Funeral Director route, but felt that he wasn't worth life in prison. But I guess that's what I have anyway HUH?
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Message 121531 (In Reply to Message 121521)
True
Posted by dp1
on Nov 13, 2003 02:20 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I am not trying to be mean but he (the pervert in question) does not deserve you. You are too caring and smart for him. It sounds like you've thought this whole thing through and are prepared to weather out the storm. Good Luck with your health issues and take full advantage of that medical policy before an incovenient trip to the jail stops his coverage. That is something else to consider though...if he goes to jail how will you get medical coverage? Never too soon to start looking into Cobra or something.
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Message 121593 (In Reply to Message 121273)
Take a Stand
Posted by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
on Nov 15, 2003 01:30 AM | Also by DoTheCrimeDoTheTime
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
To stay with this man for the purpose of health insurance, in my opinion, is very selfish. There are plenty of opitons out there that can assits. You may have to pay more for the coverage, but what about the potential damage this man can/will cause?
You deserve better, go for it. Nothing wrong with making a plan of action and then going for the throat -divorce..
DCTDTT
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Message 121644 (In Reply to Message 121593)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Nov 15, 2003 11:41 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
DTCDTT is correct. If your only staying with him for insurance reason you need to take a serious look at what your role is in this dysfunctional relationship. The minute you discovered what he was doing you had a moral obligation to seek help. If he's unwilling to seek help you need to leave.
Don't get caught up in his life of deciet.
Silverthorne
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Message 121656 (In Reply to Message 121644)
Posted by dp1
on Nov 16, 2003 01:57 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
He's already scheduled for treatment. So I see no moral issues with supporting him. She's already called the police, FBI, and whoever else. She's done everything she possibly could. I see nothing wrong with using his insurance until she can get on her own. I wouldn't cut myself off from insurance if I had medical issues. Why should she victimize herself? I'd still be checking on other medical plans though...never know when he'll get caught.
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Message 121662 (In Reply to Message 121656)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Nov 16, 2003 03:32 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Treatment is fine but is it a reputable therapist? I seem to recall something about a religious one? He needs to be with someone experienced.
Silverthorne
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Message 121667 (In Reply to Message 121656)
I understand.
Posted by ladyjane
on Nov 16, 2003 03:47 AM | Also by ladyjane
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arkansas,
Country: United States |
(HI again all, been lurking and reading). I understand some of where she is coming from. I have now spoken with the state police twice, have spoken with my children about my husband and have broken everybody's heart except his - he still acts as if he is untouchable. I expected the police car to drive up in the yard before I ever hung up the phone and it's now been nearly a month and nothing. He just refuses to return their calls - the sex crimes unit person said "We seem to be playing phone tag" and I said no, YOU seem to be playing phone tag. He will never call you back.
If this were your daughter asking advice about the same situation, what would you tell her? I'd be puffing out my chest and telling her "throw the bum out" and yet here I sit, living in the house with somebody who rapes little boys.
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Message 121684 (In Reply to Message 121667)
True
Posted by dp1
on Nov 16, 2003 05:34 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
It is frustrating if you know for a fact that someone abuses children and the system (law enforcement to be specific) don't act quickly enough. I don't know which would be worse, your situation or a situation where false allegations were filed against your husband and they locked him up in 5 minutes and refused to let him out of jail. I hope that if someone locks up a loved one of mine that they are pretty darn sure he did it before they ruin his life. Sometimes these investigations take time....it's not always cut and dried.
DP1
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Message 121858 (In Reply to Message 121531)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 19, 2003 04:45 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
Thank you!
He is retired Army and he won't lose his retirement pay even if he goes to jail. I can make it on that and my salary.
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Message 121859 (In Reply to Message 121644)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 19, 2003 04:49 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
He has agreed to get counseling. He goes tomorrow for his first visit. It will be interesting to see the outcome. He is going to a clinic in Durham N.C.
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Message 121860 (In Reply to Message 121667)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 19, 2003 05:08 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
Thank you ladyjane. you are who I have been looking for; someone that has BEEN in my shoes and can tell me what to expect. I don't feel so alne now.
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Message 121866 (In Reply to Message 121859)
Release Forms
Posted by dp1
on Nov 19, 2003 11:39 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Don't forget about asking him to sign release forms so his therapist can release information to you. The therapy won't do any good without the truth so your input is very important. Also, never believe what he tells you about counseling without verifying with the therapist. It will be highly unlikely that he'll be totally open and honest especially since the law hasn't gotten involved yet. He won't be motivated to tell his dark hidden secrets if no one is checking up on him.
Good luck and let us know how things go.
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Message 121912 (In Reply to Message 121866)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Nov 19, 2003 05:18 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
By the same token dont expect alot of "revalations" either. When he goes there he'll be saying stuff like "I wouldnt do this but my wife insists". He'll try to put the entire reason he's there on someone else and not his own conduct.
Also if his therapist is any good they'll tell him flat out "Dont give me specifics of abuse because I'll have to report them". A person in therapy needs to remain vague to protect themselves from mandatory reporting laws. So even if your sure he molested someone don't expect the doctor to find out about it.
Also make your OWN appointments with the doctor. That way the doctor has another source of information besides him. That way he (doctor) wont only be getting "one side of the story" about his problems.
Silverthorne
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Message 122002 (In Reply to Message 121866)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 20, 2003 07:16 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
Well, we saw his "christian counselor" today. He said my husband isn't a pedophile, that he is an incestuous (?) father. I can't tell you how much better I feel now! (being a smart aleck) I cannot believe this guy know anything. he charged $165.00 for that jewel and that he won't need to see him again. Because he only preyed on family and he hasn't for 15 yrs. This guy is an idiot as far as I'm concerned.
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Message 122003 (In Reply to Message 121912)
Posted by h7482
on Nov 20, 2003 07:27 AM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
I was brought into the counselors office for the last 15 minutes. And you are right , he didn't tell about his computer stuff. The counselor jump right on it and told it WAS inappropriate no matter what he CLAIMED! It was the best thing I've heard lately. He was also told to remove the picture and to stop talking to ANY one on the internet since I couldn't trust him. It was an interesting meeting.
But that may be that I am looking at things a little different. I just got out on tuesday from the hospital (mental). I had a breakdown. I went in on the thirteenth. It helped me alot, and friday I start in an outpatient program. I have been convinced it's time to look after me.
Thanks for the input everyone. It helps to know you are all just a keystroke away.
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Message 122009 (In Reply to Message 122002)
I concur
Posted by dp1
on Nov 20, 2003 01:07 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
He only preyed on family? Oh, so sex with family is ok...it's only when you go outside the boundaries of the family. Now I get it!
Christian counselors aren't even recognized by the criminal Courts in the sex offender business. The only good thing about your vist that I see is that he didn't ask you guys to come back especially at the rates he charges.
If you need to find a good sex offender therapist (no quacks this time) call the District attorney's office and see which one's have the best reputation in the Court system. The Probation and Parole Office would know also, they are a tough crowd to please and would weed out the quacks.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself now. Good luck with your own program!
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Message 122022 (In Reply to Message 122002)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Nov 20, 2003 05:24 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
H,
If you want to send me a PM with the city your located in I will find you a good therapist dealing in pedophiles for your husband. This so called "christan counselor" probably has NO experience dealing with pedophilia. How could he determine he was not a pedophile after one meeting????
Incredible!!!!
Silverthorne
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Message 122058 (In Reply to Message 121860)
Well shoot.
Posted by ladyjane
on Nov 21, 2003 03:57 AM | Also by ladyjane
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arkansas,
Country: United States |
It's not such a great place to be, but I know what you mean. I had the feeling I was the ONLY WIFE ON EARTH who had this problem. My husband went for his interview (did I already tell that?) and has a polygraph for 12/1. He seems so unconcerned. I'll bet it gets a rise out of him when they start reading the list of names I gave them.
:*( I'm very sad about it, I should not make flip remarks, but that one just popped out
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Message 122059 (In Reply to Message 121860)
I know how you feel also
Posted by TGoodman
on Nov 21, 2003 04:42 AM | Also by TGoodman
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Kansas,
Country: United States |
My husband is serving time now for 1 count of Lewd and Lacivious Molestation of my daughter who was 9 at the time. I am the person that turned him into LE. I know how hard this is for you, as I have lived with this situation now for 2 1/2 years. I too, remain married to my husband, but probably not for the same reasons that you do. Not sure about that one. It is a very hard road. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to private message me.
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Message 122200 (In Reply to Message 121662)
both
Posted by katie
on Nov 23, 2003 06:56 AM | Also by katie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Washington,
Country: United States |
I am sure there are reputable therapists that are also believers. It can not hurt to seek for one.
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Message 122209 (In Reply to Message 122200)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Nov 23, 2003 04:09 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Katie,
Finding a reputable therapist who is an expert in this area is the PRIMARY FACTOR. Whether or not he's a "believer" is far secondary to actually finding someone who is qualified to help.
If they're looking for help based on religious faith they're looking for the wrong reason and completely sabotaging their own efforts.
Religion has nothing to do with pedophilia and seeking treatment. Unless of course the person is a Catholic Priest.
Silverthorne
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Message 122368 (In Reply to Message 122022)
similar but different situation/my story
Posted by firefly42
on Nov 27, 2003 04:12 AM | Also by firefly42
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I was molested by my older brother-in-law when I was 13. I didn' t know it at the time, but he had already molested several girls in the homes where he did 'pest control' for my Dad's business (Yes, my Dad knew this and left me alone with him all summer). My Dad somehow persuaded (we're beginning to wonder about my DAD) the 3 customers not to press charges, but to trust my Dad to make sure he got help. Obviously my Dad did Not make sure that he got help and my b-in-law went on to molest their baby sitter and Who Knows HOW many other girls, no, people over the years. At one point my sister said she was concerned by his degree of 'special interest' and affection with her 5 yr old daughter. In my 20's a pastor who was counseling me for depression told me that I needed to confront my b-in-law as an adult. I did, and he immediately flipped back into the seductive mode in which he molested me; he smacked his lips as kissing and told me that he had always loved me. Well, I told my sister about this and he ended up preventing her from participating in the family until I 'retracted' my story. After months of pressure from all the family members, and upon the advent of my baby sister's wedding (to which my older sister would not be allowed to go), I said, Maybe it's Possible I misunderstood. CURSES. At my sister's wedding reception he passed me a hateful note saying that I had made the whole thing up as an excuse for my own 'irresponsibility'. The pervert won. For the next near 20 yrs my Dad palled (sp?)around with my b-in-law (we all feel he was the son my Dad always wanted) at family gatherings and I kept my mouth shut. Now I get an email from my sister: Over the years she has learned that he abused his sister, sodomized his brother, was accused and 'investigated' for molesting an elderly patient at the nursing home at which he worked...and Now, Finally the revelation that he had abused her daughter. PROBLEM: Statutes of limitations for all of us except his daughter (now 21)who won't press charges (and ofcourse whatever strangers he flashes in the park). POINT: Besides the absurdity of minimizing 'family abuse'(likewise, heterosexual abuse of adolescents is grossly minimized), the Family abuse may only be the abuse they are AWARE of. (BTW, he has been fired from MANY jobs over the years (he's a nurse); people tend to not want to be Bothered with the messiness of pressing charges). POINT: abusers come in many stripes; my b-in-law abused girls, boys, and most likely elderly patients. (It just occurred to me how 'nice' and 'interested' he was to the old folks in our church) He is now residing in a trailer park for senior citizens. Since I have no legal recourse, I'm thinking of making a 'concerned citizen call' to get the cops to keep a look-out, since I expect him to 'attack' again soon. My sister who is in the process of divorcing him said he just informed her that she is withholding his marital rights from him (He demanded sex nightly throughout their marriage) and that she is putting him "in a dangerous position". Sounds like a threat to abuse to me. Once I find out the legal grounds for 'libel' I am thinking of informing his employer and trailer park owner of his history. Suggestions appreciated.
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Message 122413 (In Reply to Message 122368)
Civil System
Posted by PVulcan
on Nov 27, 2003 10:21 PM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Though the statute of limitations may have expired criminally, you could still retain an attorney and go after him financially for damages. Sounds like he needs to be held responsible for a lifetime of abusing people
PVulcan
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Message 122420 (In Reply to Message 122413)
Posted by Silverthorne
on Nov 27, 2003 11:02 PM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
The burden of proof in a civil case is 50.00009 % not a majority. You don't need to prove anything beyond a "reasonable doubt" like they do at a criminal trial.
Regarding libel you really need to file a civil suit and get a judgement BEFORE you try telling anyone. It's his word against yours in any type of case like that. If your dragged into court it'll be "what proof do you have". You have nothing but your statement.
You really need to talk the one woman into testifying. If hers is the only case that can be prosecuted due to the statute of limitations you need to make an effort to do so. If nothing else call the police and report it yourself (even if you can't file) and tell them you know of other victims. Give the police all the information. Let her lie to THEM. But at least they'll have a pattern (even if unchargable) and there will be a record that SOMEONE said something.
Silverthorne
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Message 123409 (In Reply to Message 122420)
Posted by h7482
on Dec 20, 2003 10:55 PM | Also by h7482
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Georgia,
Country: United States |
Yeah, that's what we did...tell all the right authorities and NO ONE CARED! He walks around while peoples lives are destroyed. I (his wife) was just released yesterday from a mental hospital, because I didn't think that I could live with the fact.
He didn't even tell his own mother that I was in the hospital. He told the church I was in "a" hospital and not allowed ANY visitors. If I didn't call someone they did not know the truth.
I am stuck in such a bad place that even death looked good.
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Message 124986 (In Reply to Message 121273)
Posted by ListenLearnAndLove
on Jan 14, 2004 02:32 AM | Also by ListenLearnAndLove
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
You mentioned in a (much) earlier thread that you have a family living downstairs. Please tell me that they know about his "tendencies".
LLL
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Message 125003 (In Reply to Message 121353)
to tessa
Posted by anti
on Jan 14, 2004 07:35 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I agree of course with you fully, I feel there is cure for a pedophile, none.
slim, if any chance that he will never re offend, plus it would not matter to me , even if he did , it would not make me want to ever be with him again, period, he needs to be where he cant ever hurt a child again, behind bars, I do believe in God, all he says is I must forgive, which would be hard enough, but he does not say I would need to stay w/ him, there is a difference there.
this subject really angers me, it really does. there need not be any thinking, or confusion, very simple try as hard as you can to get a pedo prosecuted, make sure he stays on the so list, and keep away from him, husband or not, period.
anti
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Message 125004 (In Reply to Message 121382)
h7482
Posted by anti
on Jan 14, 2004 07:36 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
why even think about him staying in the home? that would , should be the last thing on your mind, first thing is to get away from him.
anti
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Message 125005 (In Reply to Message 121399)
tessa, thank you...
Posted by anti
on Jan 14, 2004 07:40 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I commend you for this post, very good!!!! if he keeps in the home and with her, all the more reason he will re offend, if le cant bring this pedo to justice, then let it come from the wife, to keep away from him, but I would be fighting as hard as I can, to get him where he belongs, plus she will become sicker by being with him, as the wife of the alcoholic does, she will become the enabler, very sad, anti
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Message 125006 (In Reply to Message 121519)
new to you..
Posted by anti
on Jan 14, 2004 07:41 AM | Also by anti
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I am a bit new to your case, please give me a refresh on all this, when it happened, what he exactly did etc, ty anti
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Message 125024 (In Reply to Message 123409)
You need support and guidance
Posted by steve
on Jan 14, 2004 04:33 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
h7482, I'm sorry to hear about those developments in your situation. Be persistent. Don't give up hope that justice will be served. I recommend contacting the authorities regularly, asking for status updates and ask how you can help the investigation, what they need to arrest him and what you can do to help them get to that point. Document everything - what your husband has done, who you've talked to in law enforcement (names, dates, summaries of what you said, what they said) and how it has effected you.
Continue to collect evidence of his online activities and any offline activities. Check your phone records for anything suspicious. Look to see whether he has a cell phone or pager you don't know about. A civil suit is a possibility, though I don't know that it will help ensure he doesn't sexually assault anyone, view child pornography or engage in other illegal activity. You mentioned that he got counseling from a Christian counselor and that it was pretty much a joke. Continue to push him for counseling from an appropriate professional.
I seem to recall that he's living in a different part of the house or in a motorhome on your property. Apologies if I'm confusing you with someone else. Am I correct? Can you give us a status update?
I'm disgusted that he didn't even tell his own mother you were in the hospital. I am concerned about your well-being. Are you ok? Please reply here or let me know privately by sending me a private message (see the menu at top of page).
I am stuck in such a bad place that even death looked good.
It's not your fault. Please, please, please see someone about your depression. You need someone to talk to who you are comfortable talking to - whether that's people here in the Victims' Corner, a forum online somewhere else, a face to face support group, a phone hotline or a professional therapist of some kind. Your husband has a problem and it's understandably affecting you. You can't undo the damage he's done. But you can do what you can to help limit the likelihood it'll happen again, help the authorities even if they aren't willing or able to do what's required and most important of all take care of yourself.
I hope you'll update us on your status. And I hope you'll get yourself help. I know there are people here who care about you and are here to offer you support. You're definitely in my thoughts.
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Message 125452 (In Reply to Message 125024)
maybe
Posted by poetsdreamscape
on Jan 18, 2004 12:25 PM | Also by poetsdreamscape
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Try sending your information to the state attorney generals office if you feel you are not getting the help you need , I garuntee you if what you are seing is truthful and really want to prevent him from harming anyone they will find out easily , you say he is meeting young girls on the internet so im supposing its in chat rooms , he can easily be identified in a chat room with proper information and they can view his actions and if anything he does is illegal they got him , a lot of chat rooms are monitered by law enforcement these days. see where I am going with this
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Thread
121273, h7482, Nov 08, 2003 04:02 AM
121275, dp1, Nov 08, 2003 04:21 AM [How About Help?]
121277, h7482, Nov 08, 2003 04:28 AM
121281, dp1, Nov 08, 2003 04:50 AM [Counselor]
121283, dp1, Nov 08, 2003 05:10 AM
121298, h7482, Nov 08, 2003 06:17 AM
121297, h7482, Nov 08, 2003 06:09 AM
121306, dp1, Nov 08, 2003 02:41 PM [Don't Get Frustrated]
121315, h7482, Nov 08, 2003 06:04 PM
121345, dp1, Nov 09, 2003 05:00 AM [Don't Blame You]
121348, h7482, Nov 09, 2003 06:54 AM
121316, myoung, Nov 08, 2003 06:11 PM [wow.....]
121349, h7482, Nov 09, 2003 07:21 AM
121353, tessa, Nov 09, 2003 10:57 AM
121382, h7482, Nov 10, 2003 06:24 AM
125004, anti, Jan 14, 2004 07:36 AM [h7482]
121383, h7482, Nov 10, 2003 06:33 AM
121399, tessa, Nov 11, 2003 01:20 AM [to h7482]
121519, h7482, Nov 13, 2003 06:35 AM
125006, anti, Jan 14, 2004 07:41 AM [new to you..]
125005, anti, Jan 14, 2004 07:40 AM [tessa, thank you...]
121411, PVulcan, Nov 11, 2003 09:05 AM
121423, dp1, Nov 11, 2003 05:01 PM [No Problem with Divorce]
121521, h7482, Nov 13, 2003 07:04 AM
121531, dp1, Nov 13, 2003 02:20 PM [True]
121858, h7482, Nov 19, 2003 04:45 AM
121520, h7482, Nov 13, 2003 06:51 AM
125003, anti, Jan 14, 2004 07:35 AM [to tessa]
121593, DoTheCrimeDoTheTime, Nov 15, 2003 01:30 AM [Take a Stand]
121644, Silverthorne, Nov 15, 2003 11:41 PM
121656, dp1, Nov 16, 2003 01:57 AM
121662, Silverthorne, Nov 16, 2003 03:32 AM
122200, katie, Nov 23, 2003 06:56 AM [both]
122209, Silverthorne, Nov 23, 2003 04:09 PM
121667, ladyjane, Nov 16, 2003 03:47 AM [I understand.]
121684, dp1, Nov 16, 2003 05:34 PM [True]
121860, h7482, Nov 19, 2003 05:08 AM
122058, ladyjane, Nov 21, 2003 03:57 AM [Well shoot.]
122059, TGoodman, Nov 21, 2003 04:42 AM [I know how you feel also]
121859, h7482, Nov 19, 2003 04:49 AM
121866, dp1, Nov 19, 2003 11:39 AM [Release Forms]
121912, Silverthorne, Nov 19, 2003 05:18 PM
122003, h7482, Nov 20, 2003 07:27 AM
122002, h7482, Nov 20, 2003 07:16 AM
122009, dp1, Nov 20, 2003 01:07 PM [I concur]
122022, Silverthorne, Nov 20, 2003 05:24 PM
122368, firefly42, Nov 27, 2003 04:12 AM [similar but different sit...]
122413, PVulcan, Nov 27, 2003 10:21 PM [Civil System]
122420, Silverthorne, Nov 27, 2003 11:02 PM
123409, h7482, Dec 20, 2003 10:55 PM
125024, steve, Jan 14, 2004 04:33 PM [You need support ...]
125452, poetsdreamscape, Jan 18, 2004 12:25 PM [maybe]
124986, ListenLearnAndLove, Jan 14, 2004 02:32 AM
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