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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner
Thread (Discussion): Married to a molester? - mixed bag
Message 120417
This is a long story, sorry.
Posted by ladyjane
on Oct 24, 2003 06:48 PM | Also by ladyjane
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arkansas,
Country: United States |
I have been reading the forum this morning and feeling glad that I found it.
I have been married for 30 years to the same man. He is an alcoholic, for one thing, drinks an excessive amount every day. With the help of 20/20 hindsight, I see that the signs were always there. In 1988, I walked up on him having sex with his young (but 22) shop helper. It ended my life as I'd known it, totally devastated me. In his embarrassment and flustered state he made the statement "I have had many more homosexual relationships than heterosexual." I stayed with him, wound up seeing a psychiatrist and a grief counselor for myself. Our marriage, though, was virtually over. The mechanics of our relationship are complicated and I can see the codependency now.
At any rate, over the years there were a string of young men working in his shop. I railed, I cried, I threatened, but it never really stopped. On one occasion one of them called me and told me my husband had tried to rape him. I incredibly managed to push this all aside and still stay here - I can't even use $ as the reason because I totally support our home and always have.
Two years ago, a very young boy came to work for him. He was 12. As time went by, I saw the same old pattern - staying for dinner, rides here, rides there, then shortly after he had become a "good friend" the camping trips started. I had a fit. Didn't do any good. Husband started supplying liquor to this boy on these camping trips. I never went, I was too heartsick. I couldn't make him stop, but it was again the same type of obsession I always saw with somebody new - I might also mention I didn't know the child was 12 at this time. I thought he was 16, which was bad enough, but I think I would have done *something* had I known he was 12.
Long story a little shorter, last Saturday morning the boy's stepfather called, shrieking, cursing, crying. The boy had told him that my husband had molested him on numerous occasions.
I don't know what to do. I have confronted him, told him that I know without a shadow of a doubt this is true, that I consider him no better than somebody who jumps out of the bushes and drags children off.
He persists in denying it, but I know it is true. I called the boy's mother and talked with her. She described what her son had told her, and that reinforced it. He did it, no doubt. I asked her why she didn't call the police and she said that they had done so.
If so, why haven't they come to get him? What do I do? What about our grown children, what will I tell them? I want him gone, and even more so, I want to stop feeling so sorry for him and quit thinking he is my responsiblity to take care of.
Can anybody help me? If I am at the wrong site, can anyone direct me to a better one?
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Message 120418 (In Reply to Message 120417)
Get counseling for yourself, stay strong
Posted by steve
on Oct 24, 2003 07:08 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
ladyjane, sometimes it takes a long time to see a person for who they are and to do something about it. You need to get counseling for yourself (you mentioned you had seen a psychiatrist years ago), he needs professional help and you need to do what you can to make sure he's not able to continue to victimize others.
It's hard to imagine this being possible if you continue to live under the same roof. I recommend finding a family member or friend you can stay with so you can remove yourself from his presence to gather your thoughts and begin getting help and support for yourself.
Since the boy's parents filed a complaint with the police it's probably only a matter of time before they speak to him and likely arrest him. If you care about him, his past victims and potential future victims you should consider speaking with the police.
There's nothing wrong with caring about your husband, but you need to focus on your own well-being and making sure he can't hurt others. If I was in your shoes I'd talk to my grown children now so they don't find out later when he's arrested, it's in the newspaper or someone else tells them. It's also possible that they too were abused by him and/or their friends were. It sounds as though it's well beyond the point of you being able to keep his secret.
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Message 120419 (In Reply to Message 120417)
Please listen.
Posted by tessa
on Oct 24, 2003 07:46 PM | Also by tessa
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United Kingdom |
Ladyjane, you may have been married to him for
30 years but it does not mean you have to stay with him. Get out now. You do not say if you have any children. If so get their help.Take a look at yourself and tell yourself you are worth more. Have pride in yourself and I wish you happiness in the future. If the boys parents have told the police,believe you me, the police will arrive sooner or later.
No one knows why women stick by such men. What happened in our family happened a long time ago but it is all coming out now. You do not know what else will come out in the future . Leave him now. Let the animal take his punishment.
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Message 120420 (In Reply to Message 120417)
Sorry
Posted by tessa
on Oct 24, 2003 07:51 PM | Also by tessa
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United Kingdom |
So sorry ladyjane. I have just reread your letter and saw you have grownup children. Surely with all that has been going on in your husbands life they must know . Talk to them please. The young people are more understanding than lots of folks give them credit for.
You need someone on your side to help you through what has to come.
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Message 120426 (In Reply to Message 120420)
Posted by orolan
on Oct 24, 2003 10:39 PM | Also by orolan
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I'll side with Steve and Tessa. Get out of there and find a close friend or family member to stay with. My first thought is to go stay with one of your kids for a while. You can take that opportunity to explain the situation to them.
Get some counseling for yourself, to build your self-esteem and sense of worth back up. Your kids might also benefit with some counseling.
Let your husband go. Let him deal with his problems in his own way, just don't do it with him.
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Message 120431 (In Reply to Message 120420)
Posted by PVulcan
on Oct 24, 2003 11:17 PM | Also by PVulcan
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Please don't take responsibility for what your husband did. You can't control others behavior. This is and will have a tremendous affect on your life in many ways. Stay strong and seek positive help to keep yourself healthy.
The other situations, were they consensual?
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Message 120435 (In Reply to Message 120431)
Lady
Posted by SurvivorForever
on Oct 25, 2003 12:49 AM | Also by SurvivorForever
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: California,
Country: United States |
Right now and probably from the time you found out about his behavior (1988?) you have been living "In a dream" that he would change. What you described would rip appart ANY relationship. Has the situation changed - for the better or has it gotten worse. You are human and did everything to save a relationship, but it takes two. From what it sounds like -you supported the relationship 100% and he didn't. f you loved him, you did nothing wrong,(with staying so long) but, enough is enough and it is time for you to move on or for him to hit the road. Talk to your children today.
Survivor.
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Message 120436 (In Reply to Message 120417)
Call 911
Posted by dp1
on Oct 25, 2003 01:22 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Ladyjane,
Husband or no husband...if you think this man might have molested a child call the police now! I am afraid it might look like you've been hiding something particularly since you know he spent time with this child and spoke to his parents about his statements. Call the police and tell them about your conversations with the child's mother and ask them if they are investigating him. Don't wait for them to hunt you and him down just for them to find out later you knew...looks bad sweetie. Clear the air and take control. There is no way in the world that I'd tell him or anyone else. The police need to take him by surprise before he has a chance to hurt someone else or himself. He's not going to admit it to you or to your children so don't waste time....the next victim is being targeted as we speak. There is no logical reason to cover up or excuse a child molester's actions...they are irrational and very dangerous. You have to take the right steps now to ensure that guilt does not overcome you while he's serving his prison sentence. Good luck and see a therapist if you must to assist you in staying strong and making good decisions.
P.S. Even if you can't muster up the strength to call the police on him then you must realize they will eventually track him down. Whatever you do please do not start fighting with him or having marital arguments with him - they will only enrage him at this time. This is a police matter not a marital issue. I wouldn't tell the children till he was safely behind bars.
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Message 120455 (In Reply to Message 120436)
Call the cops
Posted by Silverthorne
on Oct 25, 2003 03:57 AM | Also by Silverthorne
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arizona,
Country: United States |
Ladyjane,
You really can't blame yourself. Homosexual behavior (with legal age partners) is in no way "evidence" someone could molest a child.
In that respect you really had no way of knowing what he was doing. But when he started showering affection and attention on this boy you had an obligation to speak up.
You choice is clear now. You must talk to the police.
Your under no obligation to protect this man..... .30 years or not.
Silverthorne
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Message 120459 (In Reply to Message 120417)
just a question, not a criticism
Posted by myoung
on Oct 25, 2003 05:01 AM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
I might also mention I didn't know the child was 12 at this time. I thought he was 16, which was bad enough, but I think I would have done *something* had I known he was 12.
I am just curious....would it have been somewhat acceptable if the minor was 16 and not a child of 12? I am also curious what state you live in or are you even in the US? I can certainly sympathize and empathize with your story although, in my case, I was not married to my first husband that long and left him when the suspicions began.. My eldest daughter (who is now 15) came home from a weekend stay with her father when she was three and said some pretty disturbing things about the events of her stay. She apparently knew/learned during her weekend stay what ejaculation (she called it the white stuff from daddy's peepee) smelled like and told us that it tasted yucky. My mind was ablaze with fear and anger! We were, obviously, already separated at the time so divorce was even easier after that!! But regardless, I understand the want to make it not so....still make it right and change the whole thing so your marriage and life can get back to "normal". I remember feeling like wanting to get him help because I still had so many unmanageable feelings for him. He has since passed away so that chapter is closed and I will never know exactly what happened.....not that he would ever tell me. He did seem ashamed which is something your husband does not seem to display except for the fact that he adamantly denies it. Now it is simply time to step up to the plate and do the right thing. He may not be rehabilitatable but then again, he might be. He needs help and you love him so it only seems right that you should be the one to call the police and tell them of your suspicions and his strange behaviors that he obviously made some pretty convincing rationalizations for. Don't feel guilt for the time you think you're throwing away (leave him and move on with your life...easier said than done.....I know). All those years don't sound like they were the greatest years for you. You should have been and deserved to be happy all of those years with the occasional bump in the road. Not constantly fighting for your marriage and feeling like a failure because you could not change him. That isn't what marriage is about. Keep your chin up. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. There isn't much in this world you can tell me that would shock me so I am here if you need me also:)
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Message 120464 (In Reply to Message 120459)
Posted by steve
on Oct 25, 2003 01:17 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
> I am also curious what state you live in or are you even in the US?
Her user profile shows she lives in California, United States. That's also visible above all of her posts.
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Message 120479 (In Reply to Message 120464)
oops, didn't even notice
Posted by myoung
on Oct 25, 2003 09:12 PM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
I am from Pa and I noticed that it is under my username. Hehehe....might help if I pay attention to the screen I am in. I get a little involved in the stories I never look there....Sorry
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Message 120480 (In Reply to Message 120479)
Not from CA - I must have goofed.
Posted by ladyjane
on Oct 25, 2003 10:50 PM | Also by ladyjane
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arkansas,
Country: United States |
I have a scrolling wheel on my mouse and I may have hit it. I am in Arkansas. I live out in the country.
One thing: I do NOT want him to get away with this. I as firmly believe he should be arrested as if I were not married to him. I do not understand why they haven't picked him up yet.
Thanks for pointing out to me that it may look like I was hiding something, I'd never thought of that.
Also, maybe it makes me look bad, but having a 16-yo working for you is different from a 12-yo. All these boys worked for him. While going after a 16-yo is pretty repugnant to me, at least somebody that age probably has what it takes to speak up. I don't believe a 12yo would.
He has been calling and calling our house for a few months, asking DH to take him back in, saying they need the money. His parents have also called. To give DH at least some credit (where I'm not entirely sure it is due) he wouldn't have him here. The boy only told after DH refused to hire him back.
I think that is why his parents haven't had DH arrested yet. I think they believe this boy bears some of the blame for trying to get to come back here.
I told his mother that even if her son had called here and said "let me come back so we can have sex" it is still not his fault in any way, because at his age (14 now) that is still not consent, because he is a child.
I am just now realizing that I had an obligation to go to the authorities to begin with. I didn't have proof and I so desperately wanted it to NOT be true.
Hiding it from the community was important to me because of our children, but I am beginning to see that this is not my problem and the important thing is to keep it from happening again. If that means his picture goes on the wall at the store with the other child molesters in this area, so be it.
I didn't want to leave my home because it is going to be so difficult to do - I have horses and I work here from my home - and because I haven't done anything to make me have to leave, but it sure is going to be hard to live in this community after he's been sent away for this.
Thank you all for replying to my post. It is such a relief to be able to express my fears to people who understand.
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Message 120483 (In Reply to Message 120480)
Leaving home may be temporary
Posted by steve
on Oct 25, 2003 11:26 PM | Also by steve
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Virginia,
Country: United States |
> I am in Arkansas.
ladyjane, please click "Edit Profile" from the top of the page and update your state. Thanks.
> I didn't want to leave my home because it is going to be so difficult to do.
Leaving your home may only be a temporary situation. You need to leave because it'll be difficult for you to get your thoughts straight, discuss with the police and get support for yourself if you live in the same house with your husband. If you can get him to leave that's another option, but you leaving is probably easier and hopefully temporary.
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Message 120510 (In Reply to Message 120483)
Leaving would be a matter of only hours.
Posted by ladyjane
on Oct 26, 2003 03:08 PM | Also by ladyjane
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Arkansas,
Country: United States |
I could make a big stand right now, pack up my stuff and leave - but I'd have to come back in 15 minutes, sign on to my computer and do my work - I don't have a regular job, I'm a contractor, and I only am paid for the work I turn in.
Then I'd have to come in at 5:30 again and feed my horses.
I am just so dismayed. It looks like nothing is going to happen to him unless I make it happen, and then I have the rest of my life to be hated by my kids.
It just doesn't seem fair to me that the police don't give a hoot about this and didn't come and drag his sorry self away in shackles.
It occurs to me that this is how people get killed - victim realizes he's being blown off, gets a gun or a baseball bat and takes care of things himself!
DH seems very subdued and worried, but hasn't taken steps himself to go straightaway and get some kind of "help" -- if there is such a thing.
I'm sorry. I'm just so discouraged that I am going to have to uproot myself, drag out two computers, two printers, all my reference books, pay $700 for the board of two horses, $100 to have them hauled (it's not as if I can hire a teenage boy to come feed them while I'm gone!!!), pay for installation of three phone lines in somebody else's house and be without pay while I wait for the phone co. to do this, possibly losing accounts during the wait --
All because's he's lying low waiting to see if he gets away with this. I'm tired, and sick, and feel like just sitting down and weeping.
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Message 120517 (In Reply to Message 120510)
Posted by orolan
on Oct 26, 2003 04:59 PM | Also by orolan
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
LadyJane wrote:
>>>
and then I have the rest of my life to be hated by my kids
>>>
That is why you should tell them about his history and current situation. Who knows, one of them may come to the house and tell him he needs to move out.
How do you feel about throwing him out? Could you get a protection order in Arkansas without him committing violence against you?
Just a thought.
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Message 120557 (In Reply to Message 120480)
mixed bag
Posted by myoung
on Oct 27, 2003 12:51 PM | Also by myoung
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Pennsylvania,
Country: United States |
I think living in the community afterward will give you a mixed bag of things. Some are certainly going to want to give you emotional support and some others are goiing to blame you. I think that is a realistic picture but let's just hope the supportive ones far outweigh the judgmental ones:) Good luck with all of this and stay strong. Once things start judicially, it goes along pretty quickly.
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Thread
120417, ladyjane, Oct 24, 2003 06:48 PM [This is a long story, sorry.]
120418, steve, Oct 24, 2003 07:08 PM [Get counseling for yourself, stay strong]
120419, tessa, Oct 24, 2003 07:46 PM [Please listen.]
120420, tessa, Oct 24, 2003 07:51 PM [Sorry]
120426, orolan, Oct 24, 2003 10:39 PM
120431, PVulcan, Oct 24, 2003 11:17 PM
120435, SurvivorForever, Oct 25, 2003 12:49 AM [Lady]
120436, dp1, Oct 25, 2003 01:22 AM [Call 911]
120455, Silverthorne, Oct 25, 2003 03:57 AM [Call the cops]
120459, myoung, Oct 25, 2003 05:01 AM [just a question, not a criticism]
120464, steve, Oct 25, 2003 01:17 PM
120479, myoung, Oct 25, 2003 09:12 PM [oops, didn't even notice]
120480, ladyjane, Oct 25, 2003 10:50 PM [Not from CA - I must have goofed.]
120483, steve, Oct 25, 2003 11:26 PM [Leaving home may be temporary]
120510, ladyjane, Oct 26, 2003 03:08 PM [Leaving would be a matter of ...]
120517, orolan, Oct 26, 2003 04:59 PM
120557, myoung, Oct 27, 2003 12:51 PM [mixed bag]
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