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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Married to a molester?

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Message 120459 (In Reply to Message 120417)
just a question, not a criticism

Posted by myoung on Oct 25, 2003 05:01 AM | Also by myoung

Gender: N/A, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Pennsylvania, Country: United States

I might also mention I didn't know the child was 12 at this time. I thought he was 16, which was bad enough, but I think I would have done *something* had I known he was 12.
I am just curious....would it have been somewhat acceptable if the minor was 16 and not a child of 12? I am also curious what state you live in or are you even in the US? I can certainly sympathize and empathize with your story although, in my case, I was not married to my first husband that long and left him when the suspicions began.. My eldest daughter (who is now 15) came home from a weekend stay with her father when she was three and said some pretty disturbing things about the events of her stay. She apparently knew/learned during her weekend stay what ejaculation (she called it the white stuff from daddy's peepee) smelled like and told us that it tasted yucky. My mind was ablaze with fear and anger! We were, obviously, already separated at the time so divorce was even easier after that!! But regardless, I understand the want to make it not so....still make it right and change the whole thing so your marriage and life can get back to "normal". I remember feeling like wanting to get him help because I still had so many unmanageable feelings for him. He has since passed away so that chapter is closed and I will never know exactly what happened.....not that he would ever tell me. He did seem ashamed which is something your husband does not seem to display except for the fact that he adamantly denies it. Now it is simply time to step up to the plate and do the right thing. He may not be rehabilitatable but then again, he might be. He needs help and you love him so it only seems right that you should be the one to call the police and tell them of your suspicions and his strange behaviors that he obviously made some pretty convincing rationalizations for. Don't feel guilt for the time you think you're throwing away (leave him and move on with your life...easier said than done.....I know). All those years don't sound like they were the greatest years for you. You should have been and deserved to be happy all of those years with the occasional bump in the road. Not constantly fighting for your marriage and feeling like a failure because you could not change him. That isn't what marriage is about. Keep your chin up. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. There isn't much in this world you can tell me that would shock me so I am here if you need me also:)

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Message 120417
This is a long story, sorry.

Posted by ladyjane on Oct 24, 2003 06:48 PM | Also by ladyjane

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arkansas, Country: United States

I have been reading the forum this morning and feeling glad that I found it.

I have been married for 30 years to the same man. He is an alcoholic, for one thing, drinks an excessive amount every day.  With the help of 20/20 hindsight, I see that the signs were always there. In 1988, I walked up on him having sex with his young (but 22) shop helper.  It ended my life as I'd known it, totally devastated me.  In his embarrassment and flustered state he made the statement "I have had many more homosexual relationships than heterosexual."  I stayed with him, wound up seeing a psychiatrist and a grief counselor for myself.  Our marriage, though, was virtually over.  The mechanics of our relationship are complicated and I can see the codependency now.

At any rate, over the years there were a string of young men working in his shop.  I railed, I cried, I threatened, but it never really stopped.  On one occasion one of them called me and told me my husband had tried to rape him.  I incredibly managed to push this all aside and still stay here - I can't even use $ as the reason because I totally support our home and always have.

Two years ago, a very young boy came to work for him.  He was 12.  As time went by, I saw the same old pattern - staying for dinner, rides here, rides there, then shortly after he had become a "good friend" the camping trips started.  I had a fit.  Didn't do any good.  Husband started supplying liquor to this boy on these camping trips. I never went, I was too heartsick.  I couldn't make him stop, but it was again the same type of obsession I always saw with somebody new - I might also mention I didn't know the child was 12 at this time. I thought he was 16, which was bad enough, but I think I would have done *something* had I known he was 12.

Long story a little shorter, last Saturday morning the boy's stepfather called, shrieking, cursing, crying.  The boy had told him that my husband had molested him on numerous occasions.

I don't know what to do.  I have confronted him, told him that I know without a shadow of a doubt this is true, that I consider him no better than somebody who jumps out of the bushes and drags children off.

He persists in denying it, but I know it is true.  I called the boy's mother and talked with her.  She described what her son had told her, and that reinforced it.  He did it, no doubt.  I asked her why she didn't call the police and she said that they had done so.

If so, why haven't they come to get him?  What do I do?  What about our grown children, what will I tell them?  I want him gone, and even more so, I want to stop feeling so sorry for him and quit thinking he is my responsiblity to take care of.

Can anybody help me?  If I am at the wrong site, can anyone direct me to a better one?

Thread

120417, ladyjane, Oct 24, 2003 06:48 PM [This is a long story, sorry.]
      120418, steve, Oct 24, 2003 07:08 PM [Get counseling for yourself, stay strong]
      120419, tessa, Oct 24, 2003 07:46 PM [Please listen.]
      120420, tessa, Oct 24, 2003 07:51 PM [Sorry]
            120426, orolan, Oct 24, 2003 10:39 PM
            120431, PVulcan, Oct 24, 2003 11:17 PM
                  120435, SurvivorForever, Oct 25, 2003 12:49 AM [Lady]
      120436, dp1, Oct 25, 2003 01:22 AM [Call 911]
            120455, Silverthorne, Oct 25, 2003 03:57 AM [Call the cops]
      120459, myoung, Oct 25, 2003 05:01 AM [just a question, not a criticism]
            120464, steve, Oct 25, 2003 01:17 PM
                  120479, myoung, Oct 25, 2003 09:12 PM [oops, didn't even notice]
                        120480, ladyjane, Oct 25, 2003 10:50 PM [Not from CA - I must have goofed.]
                              120483, steve, Oct 25, 2003 11:26 PM [Leaving home may be temporary]
                                    120510, ladyjane, Oct 26, 2003 03:08 PM [Leaving would be a matter of ...]
                                          120517, orolan, Oct 26, 2003 04:59 PM
                              120557, myoung, Oct 27, 2003 12:51 PM [mixed bag]

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Married to a molester?

Message 120459 (In Reply to Message 120417)just a question, not a criticism

Message 120417This is a long story, sorry.

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Married to a molester?

Message 120459 (In Reply to Message 120417)
just a question, not a criticism

Message 120417
This is a long story, sorry.