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Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Married to a molester?

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Message 120418 (In Reply to Message 120417)
Get counseling for yourself, stay strong

Posted by steve on Oct 24, 2003 07:08 PM | Also by steve

Gender: Male, Age Bracket: 30 - 39, State: Virginia, Country: United States

ladyjane, sometimes it takes a long time to see a person for who they are and to do something about it. You need to get counseling for yourself (you mentioned you had seen a psychiatrist years ago), he needs professional help and you need to do what you can to make sure he's not able to continue to victimize others.

It's hard to imagine this being possible if you continue to live under the same roof. I recommend finding a family member or friend you can stay with so you can remove yourself from his presence to gather your thoughts and begin getting help and support for yourself.

Since the boy's parents filed a complaint with the police it's probably only a matter of time before they speak to him and likely arrest him. If you care about him, his past victims and potential future victims you should consider speaking with the police.

There's nothing wrong with caring about your husband, but you need to focus on your own well-being and making sure he can't hurt others. If I was in your shoes I'd talk to my grown children now so they don't find out later when he's arrested, it's in the newspaper or someone else tells them. It's also possible that they too were abused by him and/or their friends were. It sounds as though it's well beyond the point of you being able to keep his secret.

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Message 120417
This is a long story, sorry.

Posted by ladyjane on Oct 24, 2003 06:48 PM | Also by ladyjane

Gender: Female, Age Bracket: N/A, State: Arkansas, Country: United States

I have been reading the forum this morning and feeling glad that I found it.

I have been married for 30 years to the same man. He is an alcoholic, for one thing, drinks an excessive amount every day.  With the help of 20/20 hindsight, I see that the signs were always there. In 1988, I walked up on him having sex with his young (but 22) shop helper.  It ended my life as I'd known it, totally devastated me.  In his embarrassment and flustered state he made the statement "I have had many more homosexual relationships than heterosexual."  I stayed with him, wound up seeing a psychiatrist and a grief counselor for myself.  Our marriage, though, was virtually over.  The mechanics of our relationship are complicated and I can see the codependency now.

At any rate, over the years there were a string of young men working in his shop.  I railed, I cried, I threatened, but it never really stopped.  On one occasion one of them called me and told me my husband had tried to rape him.  I incredibly managed to push this all aside and still stay here - I can't even use $ as the reason because I totally support our home and always have.

Two years ago, a very young boy came to work for him.  He was 12.  As time went by, I saw the same old pattern - staying for dinner, rides here, rides there, then shortly after he had become a "good friend" the camping trips started.  I had a fit.  Didn't do any good.  Husband started supplying liquor to this boy on these camping trips. I never went, I was too heartsick.  I couldn't make him stop, but it was again the same type of obsession I always saw with somebody new - I might also mention I didn't know the child was 12 at this time. I thought he was 16, which was bad enough, but I think I would have done *something* had I known he was 12.

Long story a little shorter, last Saturday morning the boy's stepfather called, shrieking, cursing, crying.  The boy had told him that my husband had molested him on numerous occasions.

I don't know what to do.  I have confronted him, told him that I know without a shadow of a doubt this is true, that I consider him no better than somebody who jumps out of the bushes and drags children off.

He persists in denying it, but I know it is true.  I called the boy's mother and talked with her.  She described what her son had told her, and that reinforced it.  He did it, no doubt.  I asked her why she didn't call the police and she said that they had done so.

If so, why haven't they come to get him?  What do I do?  What about our grown children, what will I tell them?  I want him gone, and even more so, I want to stop feeling so sorry for him and quit thinking he is my responsiblity to take care of.

Can anybody help me?  If I am at the wrong site, can anyone direct me to a better one?

Thread

120417, ladyjane, Oct 24, 2003 06:48 PM [This is a long story, sorry.]
      120418, steve, Oct 24, 2003 07:08 PM [Get counseling for yourself, stay strong]
      120419, tessa, Oct 24, 2003 07:46 PM [Please listen.]
      120420, tessa, Oct 24, 2003 07:51 PM [Sorry]
            120426, orolan, Oct 24, 2003 10:39 PM
            120431, PVulcan, Oct 24, 2003 11:17 PM
                  120435, SurvivorForever, Oct 25, 2003 12:49 AM [Lady]
      120436, dp1, Oct 25, 2003 01:22 AM [Call 911]
            120455, Silverthorne, Oct 25, 2003 03:57 AM [Call the cops]
      120459, myoung, Oct 25, 2003 05:01 AM [just a question, not a criticism]
            120464, steve, Oct 25, 2003 01:17 PM
                  120479, myoung, Oct 25, 2003 09:12 PM [oops, didn't even notice]
                        120480, ladyjane, Oct 25, 2003 10:50 PM [Not from CA - I must have goofed.]
                              120483, steve, Oct 25, 2003 11:26 PM [Leaving home may be temporary]
                                    120510, ladyjane, Oct 26, 2003 03:08 PM [Leaving would be a matter of ...]
                                          120517, orolan, Oct 26, 2003 04:59 PM
                              120557, myoung, Oct 27, 2003 12:51 PM [mixed bag]

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Sex Offender Registries, Sex Offenders Search, News, Info and Discussion

Forum: Victims and Survivors CornerThread (Discussion): Married to a molester?

Message 120418 (In Reply to Message 120417)Get counseling for yourself, stay strong

Message 120417This is a long story, sorry.

Thread

Forum: Victims and Survivors Corner

Thread (Discussion): Married to a molester?

Message 120418 (In Reply to Message 120417)
Get counseling for yourself, stay strong

Message 120417
This is a long story, sorry.