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Forum: Off Topic
Thread (Discussion): gambling addiction
Message 150627
Posted by PVulcan
on Apr 27, 2005 10:10 PM | Also by PVulcan
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This is strange. This is the 2nd time a friend/colleague has disclosed to me that they are gambling addicts in the past 6 months. Being that I simply can't relate to losing over $30,000.00 in nickel slot machines, I get in kind of a dilema of how to even respond! I've listened, suggested Gamblers Anonymous, but don't know what else to say or do to help. . The person that is a friend didn't come to me, her husband did. He is at his wits end apparently. Funny thing, I had absolutely no clue about her gambling other than the occasional mention of a trip to the casino.Any suggestions
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Message 150677 (In Reply to Message 150627)
Posted by Navigatr1
on Apr 28, 2005 04:58 AM | Also by Navigatr1
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Sorry to hear about your friend PVulcan. I too have a friend with a gambling addition. He likes to play at a couple of the Indian casinos in the Puget Sound area, and doesn't know when to quit. A friend of his also has a gambling addiction, and was the one who got him started. My friend's friend ended up getting divorced because of the gambling addiction. He had a beautiful, loving, and caring wife too. So it is a shame. She liked to gamble too, but not to the extent her husband did.
My philosophy on gambling is take as much as you can afford to lose. If you happen to win, that is a bonus. Take the money and run when you do win.
--Navigatr1
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Message 150695 (In Reply to Message 150627)
PV
Posted by myoung
on Apr 28, 2005 12:31 PM | Also by myoung
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I hear you...my husband is like that. He doesn't recognize how much time it takes him away from his family even though he's doing it right here at home..online. He spends hours and hours at a time while we all go on with our lives Even when we want to watch a movie...he'll agree but thad damn laptop comes with him. Truly...I don't know how to approach a situation like this. It affects everything...homelife, kids, sex life, alone time. I feel like I play second fiddle to his "first love" and that makes me feel insignificant and unimportant. I think what I'm going to end up doing is confronting him in the nicest, most unabrasive way possible. I am going to try to explain how it makes us all feel when he is unavailable. Even when he's not playing he's thinking about it or talking about it. It's a tougjh one. It's more difficult to approach someone about this than drugs because it's legal and more acceptable...just like alcohol.
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Message 150787 (In Reply to Message 150627)
Posted by dp1
on Apr 30, 2005 01:48 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
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State: Florida,
Country: United States |
I've held off posting here because I've got such little experience with gambling. I hate gambling personally and can relate to a gambling addiction about as much as I can relate to being addicted to stabbing myself in the leg with a butcher knife.
I had only one case in my career where the crime was related to her gambling addiction and she was ordered to get an evaluation. At that time the only therapists I worked closely with were sex offender therapists and I knew sending her there was obviously out of the question. So I got the phone book out and started searching for addiction counselors and I actually found one about 20 miles away that specialized in gambling addictions. I suppose there might be one in your area you might be able to consult.
It's difficult to counsel a friend. The most important thing is to continue being a loving friend. Being a friend does mean telling her the truth. The truth might be that she has a problem that she needs help with. I'd approach it gingerly by advising her that I found out about her problem and that I was concerned because I loved her as a person. I'd also explain that if she decided to seek professional help I'd assist her if need be. At that point, the seed would be planted. Coming on too strong in the beginning will most likely lock you out particularly if she's in denial.
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Message 150795 (In Reply to Message 150787)
confrontation
Posted by myoung
on Apr 30, 2005 03:49 AM | Also by myoung
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In my experience..being honest about what you see is the most important thing. Tell them what you see from your vantage point.
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Message 150800 (In Reply to Message 150795)
Posted by PVulcan
on Apr 30, 2005 06:31 AM | Also by PVulcan
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The colleague that disclosed, did so in a pretty dramatic way, crying and begging to borrow money. Caught me completely off guard, and I made a pretty quick 'on the spot' decision, by saying no I wouldn't lend it. It's not that I didn't WANT to help, but something just said it wouldn't be a good idea. Besides, he's a coworker, not a close friend. Then I felt bad about it. Afew days later he told me he won BIG at the casino and all was well again *sigh*
The other person, is actually a good friend, and still hasn't actually told me about it. Her hubby did. He just told me yesterday that they are 3 months behind in their mortgage payment!!! We're going for lunch tomorrow, so I'm going to approach this situation, not real thrilled about it, being that she hasn't actually come to me herself. She must be feeling terribly alone right now, the guilt etc I did call around and found out that there are Gambler Anonymous Meetings weekly in the area. I actually got that information from the Casino!!
I did talk with a couple therapist friends, and simply stated, this addiction is just like any other as far as symptoms and behaviors. The more I've thought about this this week, I would imagine this must be a huge problem, being that there are casinos on dang near every corner in this area, then of course the BIG casinos on the reservations.
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Message 150826 (In Reply to Message 150800)
Posted by dp1
on Apr 30, 2005 02:44 PM | Also by dp1
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State: Florida,
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Good luck PV. I wouldn't loan an addict money either, but I'd offer them a plate of food and a shoulder to cry on if they were interested in helping themselves. It's so hard to love without enabling. I wish you positive results. Let us know how it goes.
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Message 150870 (In Reply to Message 150826)
Posted by PVulcan
on May 01, 2005 02:57 AM | Also by PVulcan
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Ugh! Well I let my friend know that hubby shared the gambling problem, and it went.......ummm......well it went about as well as a fart in a church! She immediately got defensive, mad at hubby and thinks she has this under control. I just let her know that I'm here for her, anytime, anywhere. She was probably more embarassed then anything. The line of communication is open, so we'll see how it goes.
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Message 150892 (In Reply to Message 150870)
PV
Posted by myoung
on May 01, 2005 02:47 PM | Also by myoung
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Embarassment and shame are always the first things addicts feel upon confrontation (even though it is displayed as anger). Hopefully she can move past the shame so she trusts enough to come to you or someone else in the future. Shame is either so strong that is saves us or takes us back to our addictions. For many...shame is so hard to deal with that it takes them back. I spent many years justifying what I was doing because I was wayyyy to ashamed to admit the truths about a great number of things. I hope things go well. She may or may not have hit her bottom yet. let's hope she has
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Message 150925 (In Reply to Message 150870)
Posted by dp1
on May 02, 2005 01:53 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
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State: Florida,
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Just curious. Is she a victim of sexual abuse?
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Message 150934 (In Reply to Message 150925)
Posted by PVulcan
on May 02, 2005 03:05 AM | Also by PVulcan
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Yes she was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, not once , but several times. She's 46 y.o and recalls telling her Mom, but of course wasn't believed because the perp apparently was an uncle and some of his friends that had babysat her at diferent times. She never sought therapy for that victimization specifically, but did seek therapy about 'life matters' ie: love, how to love, how to give love/recieve it etc Her father had actually said to her about 12-15yrs ago that she 'watched to much Oprah and Geraldo" when she tried to approach the topic. Something's happening with her right now obviously. Contrary to alot of victims, she has never had a problem with drug/booze, other than social type stuff. This gambling thing though has taken her to a foreign place.
She did tell me this: I go there and can win 800-900 dollars, but I don't leave, I stay until that's gone too! She said one time she actually had won over 1200.00, and 10 hours later when she left the casino she didn't have gas money! And of course for me as I'm listening to this, I can't believe what I'm hearing. I won 42.00 bucks at a casino, you'd have I hit a jackpot ! This monster she is living calls for someone that deals specifically with this. And yes, I do believe her victimization as a child comes into play here. I just wonder.....why now? I also know better than to get involved in 'advice giving' in this situation, this is a close friend, I need to tread lightly.
What I think personally is, she is experiencing a lifetime of "Why didn't my parents protect me or believe me" and it has been gnawing at her all this time. Now that she is a parent, I think she finds it absolutely inconceivable that a parent wouldn't believe their child and that she's questioning her own self worth. Just my opinion about it.
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Message 150940 (In Reply to Message 150934)
Posted by dp1
on May 02, 2005 03:50 AM | Also by dp1
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Yup. One of the reasons I hate gambling is that I feel like a constant failure. Why do I need to spend money just to beat myself up? Makes no sense to me, and I have no reason to beat myself up. BUT, if a victim felt like beating herself up or feeling powerless what a wonderful way to express it with gambling. Gambling to me feels like a constant pursuit for control and power. It almost seems impossible not to be reliving the emotions of her abuse when she gambles; hence the addiction worsens.
There's a few good things to be said about gambling, it's legal and it isn't hurting her physically. At least she's not on drugs or in jail. But it sure must put a burden on her bank account and her marriage. How sad. I hope she sees the light. Good luck PV....you're a good friend for her to have right now.
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Message 150942 (In Reply to Message 150940)
Afterthought
Posted by dp1
on May 02, 2005 04:09 AM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
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I don't know if you work with her or what capacity she works in. But, before she hits rock bottom her job will most likely be affected. I'd watch for signs of burnout or possibly stealing at work. Once her resources are exhausted at home her next step will be her place of employment. Hopefully, she doesn't resort to illegal means to support her habit, but one never knows. Also, if she's out late night after night she can risk getting fired for too many absences or poor performance.
We had a Judge named Harry Lee Coe, 'Hanging Harry' that ended up being the State Attorney. He hid his gambling problem for years. Come to find out it came to light when he started borrowing money from his employees at the state attorney's office. He was placed under investigation for improper conduct and it was dicovered he had a gambling addiction. He ended up committing suicide by shooting himself in the head instead of owning up to his improprieties. It was the saddest thing to see such a good man fall from grace so quickly.
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Message 151834 (In Reply to Message 150942)
Posted by PVulcan
on May 17, 2005 07:44 AM | Also by PVulcan
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Lord bee tunderin jeeziz! I got a call from friends hubby tonight. They're 4 months behind on the mortgage AND apparently on the weekend she won $3500.00 on a jackpot, and gave it all back to them after staying in the casino almost 20 hours!!!! I so can't relate to this. I suggested to him that he may have to take her bank/credit cards and actually take her name off the bank account for now until this gets under control. She's avoiding me like the plague! Last time we talked she asked me if I knew anyone interested in buying her motorcycle! She LOVES her bike! I plan on surprising her at home tomorrow for a heart to heart. Wish me luck.
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Message 151835 (In Reply to Message 150627)
Posted by PVulcan
on May 17, 2005 07:46 AM | Also by PVulcan
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I wonder, is it possible if hubby went to the casino and asked them not let her in would they do that? or am I grasping?
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Message 151853 (In Reply to Message 151834)
Posted by dp1
on May 17, 2005 02:49 PM | Also by dp1
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Good luck PV. I'd be a nervous wreck. This is totally out of control. Too bad she didn't take her jackpot and send it to her mortgage company. OMG! It's time for some real intervention. No doubt you'll be burned out after your confrontation with her. Let us know how it goes.
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Message 151863 (In Reply to Message 151835)
no
Posted by myoung
on May 17, 2005 04:43 PM | Also by myoung
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I doubt it.
She has money and is of age. It's unlikely they'll get involved in what is perceived to be a domestic situation. Money is money and they don't give two craps who gives it to them...sadly
That would be like a husband of an alcoholic wife going to all the local liquor stores and telling them not to sell it to her. It violates all kinds of rights...and they aren't gonna get involved in that
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Message 151934 (In Reply to Message 151863)
Posted by PVulcan
on May 18, 2005 05:23 PM | Also by PVulcan
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Oh man! I just can't be involved in this mess. Hearing about personal finances between a hubby and wife is crossing the line of friendship for me. I'm feeling like they aren't talking to each other but talking to me instead! This isn't good. She says she has this under control and is borrowing mortgage money from her parents, who aren't aware of her gambling problem. Her and I have been friends for 20 years but all I can do is be an ear when it all comes tumbling down I reckon. I gave her the Gamblers Anonymous pamplet, a referral list of therapists in the area, she says it's not a problem. He won't take her cards because "she needs to shop for groceries, gas etc."......*sigh* I don't know what the 'bottom' will be, but I have a sneaking suspicion that is what it will take in order for something to 'happen'.
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Message 151955 (In Reply to Message 151934)
PV
Posted by myoung
on May 18, 2005 09:06 PM | Also by myoung
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UGH...I dread the position that you're in
Good luck....I'll be thinking about you and your situation
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Message 153564 (In Reply to Message 151955)
Posted by PVulcan
on Jun 11, 2005 07:40 PM | Also by PVulcan
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Oh jeeziz! She missed her son's last track meet yesterday! And......did you know that when you pawn something that LE is notified?? I had no clue, never pawned anything. Apparently she has pawned her wedding rings and lied about it!!!!! I could vomit. I"m beside myself. She simply isn't ready to deal with this reality. She KNOWS she's going to hit it big! All this in nickel slot machines apparently. That's ALOT of nickels.
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Message 153565 (In Reply to Message 153564)
Well, She Could
Posted by Navigatr1
on Jun 11, 2005 09:22 PM | Also by Navigatr1
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PVulcan wrote:
She KNOWS she's going to hit it big! All this in nickel slot machines apparently. That's ALOT of nickels.
Well she could hit it big on some nickel slot machines if she is playing the progressive ones. These are a bank of machines tied together, and the pot grows by a small percentage of what people gamble on each spin. Some of these slot machines are even tied in with other progressive slot machines at other casinos around the country. So it is entirely possible that she could hit it big.
A woman playing a quarter slot machine won $1 million twice about a year apart on the same machine.
--Navigatr1
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Message 153566 (In Reply to Message 153564)
Posted by Navigatr1
on Jun 11, 2005 09:25 PM | Also by Navigatr1
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Interesting. I didn't know LE was notified when you pawn something. Of course, I haven't pawned anything either.
It is sad that she missed her son's truck meet because she was gambling.
--Navigatr1
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Message 153572 (In Reply to Message 153566)
Posted by steve
on Jun 12, 2005 12:23 AM | Also by steve
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I didn't know law enforcement was notified every time something is pawned either. I just did some quick research and it looks like the processes (at least in some cities) for tracking and reporting transactions are pretty detailed.
Minneapolis - APS Automated Pawn SystemŽ Overview
Des Moines - pawn broker fees and related info.
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Message 153573 (In Reply to Message 153564)
Posted by steve
on Jun 12, 2005 12:24 AM | Also by steve
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This doesn't sound like it's going to turn out well. A shame.
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Message 153574 (In Reply to Message 153565)
Posted by steve
on Jun 12, 2005 12:25 AM | Also by steve
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And some people apparently win the lottery! At least with some games of chance there are ways to reduce the house's odds. With nickel slots...
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Message 153732 (In Reply to Message 153564)
Posted by dp1
on Jun 12, 2005 06:40 PM | Also by dp1
| Gender: Female,
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Does she show signs of depression? At some point she'll bottom out - either get arrested or attempt suicide. I'd say she's getting close.
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Message 153733 (In Reply to Message 153732)
Posted by PVulcan
on Jun 12, 2005 07:11 PM | Also by PVulcan
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She's not showing me signs of depression, however she's really starting to isolate herself. We had a big bbq yesterday for a friends son's graduation, she was a no show, but her hubby and kids were there. She had 'something come up and would be there a little later'. Hubby is going to talk with her family this week it looks like, but he feels bad about that. He feels that this should pretty much remain within their walls. She has a sister that is an 'in your face' kinda chick, so maybe she can rattle some cages. I'm being assertive, but not agressive, I don't want her to isolate herself from everyone, she's going to need someone when it all comes tumbling down!!! Something's going to give here soon enough I would think.
Interestingly, since I was made aware of this and have just been generally talking with people, associates n such, this is quite a problem. I guess it has something to do with there's a casino on dang near every corner in this area, mind you not all have slot machines. And this big push with Texas Hold em on tv has some believing they'll be professional gamblers. I'm GOING ALL IN!! lol
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Message 169482 (In Reply to Message 153733)
Posted by PVulcan
on Dec 14, 2005 05:09 PM | Also by PVulcan
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Well it happened! Her hubby put her out! All these months I thought she was going to Gamblers Anonymous, she wasn't. Her hubby had gone out last week and bought all the kids xmas gifts, and a couple days ago she returned all of it and took the $ to the casino and lost it all. I haven't talked to her, just him, he said this was definitely the last straw. This is so sad, I could vomit!
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Message 169504 (In Reply to Message 169482)
PV
Posted by dp1
on Dec 15, 2005 01:55 AM | Also by dp1
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I'm sorry. I don't know what to say??????? What are you going to say to her if anything?
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Message 169521 (In Reply to Message 169504)
Posted by PVulcan
on Dec 15, 2005 04:14 AM | Also by PVulcan
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I have absolutely no idea what I will say to her! I don't get speechless very often, but this has my jaw hanging on the floor. I really can't believe it, I mean I DO believe this happened but I'm shocked. Right now all I can do is wait for her to contact me. Her hubby is physically ill from this, but like he said, "I had NO CHOICES left. " Hopefully, this is her bottom and will be willing to get some help.
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Message 169536 (In Reply to Message 169504)
Posted by rebel51
on Dec 15, 2005 01:19 PM | Also by rebel51
| Gender: Female,
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State: California,
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There was nothing you could have done. I have seen this several times and each time it has to end the same..the gamboler must lose everything before they give it up. In each of the cases that I have watched only one ever got the marriage back together.
I have heard now that they are finding that there is some chemical that is released in your brain...endorphines??....that is what a gamboler is actually addicted to...gamboling somehow releases whatever it is and each time you "almost" hit, it gives you another little jolt of it..and without knowing it you go on gamboling looking for your next little jolt. It might also be adrenaline that is released...I dont remember.
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Message 169617 (In Reply to Message 169521)
Posted by Navigatr1
on Dec 16, 2005 12:20 PM | Also by Navigatr1
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Try to lay a guilt trip on her, and tell her how she has ruined Christmas for the kids by returning all their kids so she could gamble.
Sorry to hear that the marriage is breaking up, but I have seen marriages ruined by gambling addictions. I know someone whose wife ended up divorcing him as a result of his gambling addiction. Oh, they both liked to gamble. However he got where he was spending most of his time down at the casino and losing a lot of money playing Bacarat. When he hit he would hit big, but he didn't know when to quit. He had a beautiful wife who liked to fish and was a good cook. I was saddened to hear of their divorce. Last I heard he was still down at the casino, and sleeping out of his car. Guess he hasn't hit rock bottom yet.
--Navigatr1
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Thread
150627, PVulcan, Apr 27, 2005 10:10 PM
150677, Navigatr1, Apr 28, 2005 04:58 AM
150695, myoung, Apr 28, 2005 12:31 PM [PV]
150787, dp1, Apr 30, 2005 01:48 AM
150795, myoung, Apr 30, 2005 03:49 AM [confrontation]
150800, PVulcan, Apr 30, 2005 06:31 AM
150826, dp1, Apr 30, 2005 02:44 PM
150870, PVulcan, May 01, 2005 02:57 AM
150892, myoung, May 01, 2005 02:47 PM [PV]
150925, dp1, May 02, 2005 01:53 AM
150934, PVulcan, May 02, 2005 03:05 AM
150940, dp1, May 02, 2005 03:50 AM
150942, dp1, May 02, 2005 04:09 AM [Afterthought]
151834, PVulcan, May 17, 2005 07:44 AM
151853, dp1, May 17, 2005 02:49 PM
151835, PVulcan, May 17, 2005 07:46 AM
151863, myoung, May 17, 2005 04:43 PM [no]
151934, PVulcan, May 18, 2005 05:23 PM
151955, myoung, May 18, 2005 09:06 PM [PV]
153564, PVulcan, Jun 11, 2005 07:40 PM
153565, Navigatr1, Jun 11, 2005 09:22 PM [Well, She Could]
153574, steve, Jun 12, 2005 12:25 AM
153566, Navigatr1, Jun 11, 2005 09:25 PM
153572, steve, Jun 12, 2005 12:23 AM
153573, steve, Jun 12, 2005 12:24 AM
153732, dp1, Jun 12, 2005 06:40 PM
153733, PVulcan, Jun 12, 2005 07:11 PM
169482, PVulcan, Dec 14, 2005 05:09 PM
169504, dp1, Dec 15, 2005 01:55 AM [PV]
169521, PVulcan, Dec 15, 2005 04:14 AM
169617, Navigatr1, Dec 16, 2005 12:20 PM
169536, rebel51, Dec 15, 2005 01:19 PM
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