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Forum: General
Thread (Discussion): Taking Sides - VICTIMS DO COME HERE
Message 174228
Posted by june5
on Mar 03, 2006 10:45 PM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Some folks think this site is being overrun by the SO's and there are a lot of flames going up.
Here are the groups that we are supposed to choose from: Child Molesters, Pedos, Pedo-Pushers, Victims, RSO's, and RSO Supporters.
How are we supposed to have any intelligent discourse going on when we are all labeling each other that way?
In my opinion, narrow-minded people like to label others that way. It keeps things simple. We all aren't in an easily-labeled group.
I actually found myself defending to a perfect stranger that I am a rape victim. I am not the first one to have faced this challenge. I'm supposed to be on a side, right? Well, I'm sorry, I don't have one. I have empathy for the victims and the SO's, and I know I am not the only one. But I can't say anything without somebody pointing out for me that I am clearly deranged because my husband is an RSO (who is probably reoffending at this moment, according to some on this board). The same things happen to the "child molesters" who obviously have nothing intelligent to add, based on their "status." If you are a victim and have something to say in "defense" of an RSO, well, then, you probably aren't really a victim.
Speaking of victims, people are wondering why there aren't more victims in the victims forum or elsewhere. Take a look at the threads there for yourself. One getting alot of action lately is about a woman who married an RSO. Yeah, I bet someone who was attacked recently really cares about this. Most of the posts over there go something like this: HOW COULD ANYBODY CARE ABOUT A CHILD MOLESTER!!!! Again, very helpful and informative for victims. This site has become one big RSO-bashing fest.
It is unfortunate, but this site is starting to remind me of Junior-High School. It is really too bad, because this is such a serious issue.
Call me a dreamer, but it would be really nice if we could all just respect each other without all the childish name-calling. I don't think that is too much to ask from adults.
Otherwise, go right ahead and respond that I'm just some pedo-pushing lunatic. For some people, the only way that they can feel powerful is to put down others. I wouldn't want to take that away from anyone.
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Message 174258 (In Reply to Message 174228)
Posted by Navigatr1
on Mar 04, 2006 05:08 AM | Also by Navigatr1
| Gender: N/A,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I am very sorry that you have had to defend yourself on this board about being a victim by people that call themselves victim advocates. The make up of this board is very unique. For some the glass is either half full or half empty depending on your perspective. The victim advocates tend to be pessimists. They are going to tell you that sex offenders alway reoffend. When one does, they will say I told you so. The sex offenders are usually more optimistic and will point to statistics to back them up. sometimes it can be hard to find common ground, and for some there can be no common ground.
Some people on this board feel that you have to be on one side or the other, and that you can't be on both sides. They want to you to choose sides. If you defend sex offenders, then they will automatically put you with the sex offenders and assume that you are one too. Why else would you be defending them?
Like you, I am also a victim even though I tend to defend the sex offenders based on constitutional grounds. I can see both sides of the issue. There are also sex offenders who are victims themselves, but must forever be a sex offender due to the label. They can see both sides of the issue themselves.
--Navigatr1
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Message 174279 (In Reply to Message 174228)
Posted by orolan
on Mar 04, 2006 01:58 PM | Also by orolan
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Well-said.
Historically this forum has gone from one extreme to the other. It slowly works its way back in to balance. Then something happens and it swings rapidly. Usually to the RSO-slamming side.
As for victims posting here, that's not the offender's fault. The victim area is closed to offenders and that fact is very prominently displayed. If victims don't want to post there it's because of the reactions they get from the advocates. Which as you pointed out is not always pretty.
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Message 174281 (In Reply to Message 174228)
Posted by Valerie
on Mar 04, 2006 02:15 PM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Power has nothing to do with it, blowing your candle out so mine shines brighter is not a goal...but long before you or I got here, the victim bashing was prevalent and Steve made peace by separating the forums...so now the victims have a place to derive strength and get encouragement to go beyond their pain....its a place for people to break cycles that could infect another generation if left to its own devises. Its a place for women usually to break the bonds of family or acquaintances who have deceived them or their loved ones and break the chain that compromises their futures. Our lives and circumstances and stories can never fit into a regimen of forums and like yourself, your story bleeds over to other situations. After reading many of your post, I dont think you can have it both ways.My personal opinion is that your husband is your number 1 priority, and there is nothing wrong with that, SO's need support systems and we all agree on that. In your own words you admitted, to him deceiving you about a prior charge, that you found out about, by this latest conviction. But you are steadfast in your loyalty to him and GodBless you for it....hey I don't pay your bills so you do what you need to do. But a few of us have read this scenario before...we also have read aftermaths of your situation. There is an old southern saying, "burn me once, your fault, burn me twice, mine" Some victims have been burned twice here and we need to break those cycles...its hard to do with someone who in my opinion has been burned twice that we know of and is adamant about defending a position of enduring a third. Just so we have an understanding I never questioned your sincerity of your rape, in fact I tend to believe it strongly...but think about it, if a person was dropped from another planet and read your bio and your post, do you really expect them to walk away with "wow she is a strong, unbiased, understanding woman"? . Maybe if we dig deeper the lack of justice you received from trying to prosecute the rape case, spilled over to your perceptions of what you think you deserve as an adult. I am no shrink, what do I know?
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Message 174307 (In Reply to Message 174281)
Valerie
Posted by june5
on Mar 04, 2006 08:41 PM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
I'm not sure why this keeps coming up, but I'll break it down for you:
In 1985 (well before I met him) my husband was accused of "accidentally but on purpose" brushing up against a co-workers breast at work. He was charged with a misdemeanor. His EMPLOYER paid for an attorney on his behalf. Three FEMALE co-workers were eye-witnesses and testified on my husband's behalf. He was acquitted. He never told me about this.
In 2005, after I had been married several years, my husband was arrested for attempted rape. He was accused of exposing himself while trying to pull down a woman's pants at a party. She yelled, he went away. These were the victim's accusations, so please don't tell me I am embellishing. He pleaded guilty to a lesser contact offense.
Please don't accuse me of embellishing all this, I have read all the reports on these cases. If you look at that information and think he is the sickest pervert ever born, that's fine.
My husband was totally wrong to do this. Completely wrong. I am sure that most people wouldn't look at my posts and think I am a strong woman. Most people carry a serious bias. That is fine as well. I have to live my own life.
I just wanted to get that straight because I'm not sure where the "burned twice" thing came in. My husband burned me alright, and himself, and the victim. Nothing good came out of his decision to be, at the very least, an idiot.
As far as me being a victim leading to me marrying an SO, well, he wasn't an SO when I married him, he had no record at all. As far as what I deserve, well, all I can say is that aside from this, my husband has always treated me with the utmost of respect. He gives me his paycheck every week. I am not being dominated, controlled, or anything else.
I highly doubt anybody is going to believe anything I have to say about the quality of my marriage or the way that my husband treats me. That's OK. This is the last time I am going to defend my marriage on this board, so say what you want.
As to your assertion that I can't have it both ways, well, maybe I can't, but I do feel empathy for both sides. God knows, I don't want to get anything started, but as an example: I am against the death penalty, but I feel very badly for murder victims and their families. I am against abortion, but I have a friend who got one and I let her cry on my shoulder and felt very badly for her. That's all I can say about that.
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Message 174322 (In Reply to Message 174281)
Valerie
Posted by june5
on Mar 05, 2006 12:06 AM | Also by june5
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: N/A,
Country: United States |
Some victims have been burned twice here and we need to break those cycles...its hard to do with someone who in my opinion has been burned twice that we know of and is adamant about defending a position of enduring a third
I never once said I would "endure" a re-offense. Besides that, you don't know that there wil be one, do you?
I think you are saying that because of "my situation" I shouldn't be giving advice or offering support to victims? I think the first post I ever made in the victim's forum was me strongly suggesting to a victim that she report to the police. Oh, well. I tried. I get tired of trying to defend my position. If I am somehow causing harm in the victim's forum, then I won't post there anymore.
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Message 174475 (In Reply to Message 174322)
Posted by Valerie
on Mar 11, 2006 05:37 AM | Also by Valerie
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Why don't you go back and read your post....your in denial...
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Message 174507 (In Reply to Message 174307)
Former Police officer
Posted by emergency56
on Mar 16, 2006 05:54 PM | Also by emergency56
| Gender: Male,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Michigan,
Country: United States |
For those of you who think you must take a side that is never the case. I can tell you that after over 25 years in Law Enforcement thier is no such thing as one side or the other. The victims have a very hard time dealing with the pain and injury inflicted on them by the accused and convicted. The Accused have to live with doing such a bad thing. However if the crime is one of lower act as such. Then the accused should have a chance to do thier time and go back into the public with out being labeled on the SOR. They should have to do a number of years without committing anouther crime and then request the court of original jursdiction to have thier name removed. If they have completed a set list of things and a time of say five to ten years have past and they have commited no crimes then let thier name be removed. I am not suggesting this for higher crimes of Rape and sexual assualt of anykind that they may have done with a minnor, those people need to stay on th SOR (Sex offender Registry) for ever. But those with lesser crimes involveing sex acts should have a way to work thier way off the SOR. I can only tell you of the number of times I have heard some of them say well if I have to stay on the SOR for ever they I may as well be a sex offender again. In our type of goverment we want people to work to a good end, and we should not place them in a postion were they feel helpless and decide that if they are labeled a Sex Offender they should be one. I am not trying to take thier side but I have also seen them get fired from jobs because thier name was on the SOR. The problem with that is the last thing you want is someone with a criminal background not working. If they are working thier is less chance they will recomitte a crime. Also I have seen a case were a child of SOR was sexualy assualted because this boy found out her father was on the SOR so he thought she would be "sexualy easy" . His words not mine. I have seen property damage done to thier homes because I am sure that some teenagers were thinking will get that sex offender and no one will care. As for the Sex Offender recommitting Sex crimes well the fact is that they have a very low rate of recommiting crime, only murders have a lower rate. This is a fact and not just me saying it. The best thing we can do is work so that the crime does not get repeated and the way to do that is to come together the victims and the accused and find ways to end the crimes. And as a matter of fact their will never be a full stopping of cirme.
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Message 174517 (In Reply to Message 174228)
VICTIMS DO COME HERE
Posted by fireflybabe
on Mar 17, 2006 05:48 PM | Also by fireflybabe
| Gender: Female,
Age Bracket: N/A,
State: Florida,
Country: United States |
Wow. I work 2 jobs so I don't have a lot of time to read these things. But I had no idea there were so many other people who are married to RSO. I felt like I was alone in the world. I think victims are on this site, but it's not easy to identify them. I am a victim who married the "offender". I defend offenders more than critize them. There's alot of victims here who care more about human rights for everyone, including the offenders and not revenge.
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Thread
174228, june5, Mar 03, 2006 10:45 PM
174258, Navigatr1, Mar 04, 2006 05:08 AM
174279, orolan, Mar 04, 2006 01:58 PM
174281, Valerie, Mar 04, 2006 02:15 PM
174307, june5, Mar 04, 2006 08:41 PM [Valerie]
174376, Pending Further Review
174507, emergency56, Mar 16, 2006 05:54 PM [Former Police officer]
174322, june5, Mar 05, 2006 12:06 AM [Valerie]
174348, Pending Further Review
174350, Pending Further Review
174353, Pending Further Review
174375, Pending Further Review
174420, Pending Further Review
174472, Rejected
174475, Valerie, Mar 11, 2006 05:37 AM
174609, Pending Further Review
174619, Pending Further Review
174419, Pending Further Review
174517, fireflybabe, Mar 17, 2006 05:48 PM [VICTIMS DO COME HERE]
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